mood: tired
listening: dad snoring

i have not been sleeping well like, at all lately. i've slept maybe 30 hours of the last week. i don't know if i can even fall sleep after trying. it's 5:51 am an i need to get up at 11...

i got my teeth cleaned on friday. my teeth are super fucked lol. now they're hurting a lot from the cleaning they did. constantly aching. it might be due to me probably having a sinus infection again tho lol. i'm just... so sick and tired of being sick and tired. i think i'd feel better if i had the amenities to take better care of myself. like a bathroom sink that works, for example. it's hard to brush and floss over the bathrub /:

i can't wait to move, honestly

my nana's in the hospital. she has blood clots in her lungs. she seems to be doing okay now that they've got her on a blood thinner. they're keeping her to monitor, and quoting the nurse, "dissolve" the clots. i didn't go to see her today bc i was trying to sleep but i was also super annoyed with her bc like. i stayed after dad and my uncle did to be with her last night, and she took the time to lecture me, then make me sit around while she took a phone call. she said i didn't act like i appreciate my dad bc i don't do his dishes lol. or i have """boxes""" in the kitchen? i don't even know what she's talking about with that one lol. if he has a particular problem he can just like. ask me about it? say he doesn't like something and i can do something with it? not complain to nana so she'll bitch at me about stuff that isn't her business?

she was like, "nobody else would do for you what he does, like let you use a car." uhhhhh nana you literally gave him two cars yourself lol. my mom gave him a car (because he kept on wrecking hers when he'd borrow it.) the last thing mom (rest her soul) ever asked of him was to give me a car so i won't have to struggle as much, you know. like his parents and she did for him lol. (mom did not have means of acquiring a vehicle or she would have given me one.)

idk i guess that sounds privileged that i'm annoyed nana told me i should be more grateful for being able to use dad's car. but i wouldn't be as annoyed if he a) didn't already tell me he intended to give it to me then backtrack on it, b) it wasn't the last thing my mom ever asked of him, and c) he wasn't a deadbeat dad literally all my child life lol. like not only child support, he couldn't be bothered to send a birthday gift no less remember my birthday. you'd think anyone would find it fair he's making up for that now, but no, nana's all "you need to appreciate regardless of if he supported you in the past." literally what she said lol. nah i don't appreciate shit lol. he didn't do a single thing for me when i was a kid, and as an adult the """help""" he's given me has involved him abusing me

"well maybe he wouldn't abuse you if you cleaned his house and insert other bullshit here." nah. he was abusing me and mom before i moved in with him lol

through all of this everyone also forgets i have a disability lol. like dude it's hard to keep my own attic clean (and self sometimes unfortunately). i take steps to purposefully avoid making messes so i don't have to clean them. like... i don't cook any more bc it's hard on me, and i can't do the dishes. it might not be so bad if someone else was coming in and ruining my work within minutes? like... when i did first move in i had to do a deep clean bc dad literally hadn't cleaned in years. i wish i were exagerating or joking. but like. literally it was all messed up again the next day, so what's the point? and man it fucked me up... i was out of commission awhile after that too /:

"oh well why doesn't it come naturally to ocurr to you to clean up someone else's mess?" yeah. d i s a b i l i t y but i'm also neither anyone's mom or maid. i'm already a free babysitter (and i'm not even asked if it's okay to bring the kid!) but does anybody consider i'm owed thousands (not bullshitting, i based the rates on daycare services lol) of dollars for babysitting? no. does anyone consider i'm owed whatever of my food he eats and ruins (leaving cheese out of bags in the fridge, fucking disgusting) and doesn't replace? no. compensation for the therapy i have to go to from emotional and verbal abuse? no. the fact i lived in poverty with a single mom while he literally raised someone else's kids? no lol

rent is free which is great, and i am able to use a car to get around. but this does actually come at a great cost. i live in terrible conditions despite having less expenses. it's a trade-off i'm sick of making, so... can't wait until the move in march lol