jan 30, 2021

mood: annoyed
listening: rain and dad droning on and on

B stardew valley has taken over my life. no thoughts, head full of pixelated vegetables

i intend to hunker down and finally 100% everything this time... i swear i won't get to like, maybe year 2 then start a whole new farm... this is the one, i swear...

B it's rained all day and all night and i hate it. c i'm sick of it bc rain makes me ache, and the roof leak it also melted the snow, so i'm like [avocado kid voice] thhhhhaaannnkksssss

B my dad is so fucking agitating. just... so much bad vibes. i feel like suffocating when he starts talking to me bc i'm so overwhelmed with how fucking annoyed i am. and he hardly ever shuts the hell up

tonight he told me i'll essentially be forced to be my nana's caregiver for, quote, "maybe months." i was my mom's caregiver and i just really don't want to devote myself to anyone else like that again, especially when this side of the family gave me hell for doing it for my mom, and this side of the family has hardly done anything for me ever

then he told me "i won't blame you if she dies while you're taking care of her" if that's any indication of what i'm constantly dealing with

he does this shit where i'll go downstairs to make food... and for example i'll have a frozen macaroni that needs to be nuked for 10 minutes. so he'll sit there watching whatever he's got on, and only after the microwave beeps and i'm already halfway up the stairs does he start to talk at me, expecting me to hang on his every word. he literally expects me to just stand there while my food is getting cold so i can listen to him drone on for 20 minutes if not more

i mean it when i say talk at me, not to or with me. he just likes to hear himself speak. i've literally sat with him where he's droned on for hours and i said maybe 10 words. it's exhausting lol

i know for someone who isn't experiencing it i probably sound super mean like "well just interact with your dad more" but i swear i'd rather have teeth pulled without anasthetic

for example the entire time i've been typing this he hasn't shut up for more than five seconds, no exaggeration

jan 29, 2021

mood: bouncy
listening: massive attack H

B IT SNOWED!!! g idk why but it just feels crisp and Nice

B i got some laundry done. washed/dried three loads, and since one of the loads was sheets and blankets i changed my sheets. i don't often feel this Powerful uwu

jan 23, 2021

mood: sleepy
listening: dad yacking

  • step 1: listen to the sleep specialist and practice better "sleep hygiene"
  • step 2: failed step 1
  • the problem with trying to do this is it's so fucking miserable lmao. i mean, it's also miserable to be plagued with insomnia. but it's also miserable to get up early, stay up, not take a nap, have no caffeine... :,) i went to bed around 2 am, woke up around 5 am, couldn't fall back asleep, and the specialist told me to get out of bed when that happens. so i dicked around a bit, and then around noon got so tired i had to lay down. but i only slept maybe 2 hours even tho i wanted to sleep more... i'm yawning and want to sleep right now too lol

    it's like... little bursts... and i guess that'd be okay enough if i didn't have a, y'know, M society N to participate in and shit

    i've kind of felt in a haze for weeks now and boy do i Not Like That lol

    B otherwise, we had a dnd session today. it's fun enough but when i'm so tired i don't like having commitments lmao. for a three hour session it felt kind of uneventful but eh

    B i ended up ordering a cooling fan for the laptop to see if that will help assuage the heat situation. now even doing mundane things the keyboard will get painfully hot as well, and i ain't down with that. but it's past the time i'd be able to return it, so Fuck Me I Guess i got a keyboard cover and little legs for it to stand on too

    i'm still annoyed lmao. they're advertizing this as """innovative""" design and i'm like hm... i wonder why nobody thought of this before in the 20+ years laptops have been a thing... my guess is is other companies clued in to how this actually was a bad idea, probably lol

    jan 21, 2021

    mood: accomplished
    listening: tinnitus

    B figured out how to make (most) fonts display properly across my sites, so i'm pleased about that! i get to keep my beloved pixel fonts lmao

    B fallout 4 also f i n a l l y downloaded! it only took literally, not exaggerating, 50 fucking hours p i've never had a game take that long to download??? i'm nervous about downloading other games on steam now o

    i did play a little bit, mainly to make sure my mods were working correctly... but damn, is this laptop badly designed. it's an msi, ie they specialize in gaming units... so idk why the fuck they thought it was a good idea to make the lid so long it goes down past the back??? at first glance it looks useful, because it acts as a little lift to give a very slight angle to the laptop. but then i realized that the fan vents were at the back. blocked by the screen. so hot air is blowing on the screen. getting painfully hot to the touch. which means if i let the fans run it'll probably damage the screen. i've tweeted at msi twice bc i'm a petty salty bitch and they've not gotten back to me to explain why the hell they would ever design it like this

    i'm considering seeing if i can get official customer support from msi. this was a gift, but i'm hoping it should still be viable for that...? this unit was so cute and that's why i had it on my wishlist, but honestly it was a whim and i was not expecting anybody to get it for me, so i didn't research it properly like i would have if i had been seriously been in the market for a new pc in october... still don't even know who my anonymous benefactor is, but damn am i grateful to them. i don't want to spit in the face of that. but there's been a lot of problems with this unit, and i've not even been using it for three full days yet

    B had the app with the sleep specialist today. she told me staying in bed when i can't sleep won't help, and i need to "train my brain" to associate my bed with just sleeping. she also said that insomnia is difficult to treat lol. she wants me to set up a schedule and i was really dreading that lol. the problem with not being able to, you know, sleep is you're so exhausted it's hard to even function. she also didn't like that i nap sometimes, but i get so exhausted sometimes i just can't help it and i need to lay down

    she did prescribe a sleep study, so i'm waiting on the techs to get back to me. thankfully they'll let me stay at home for it and loan me equipment. not exactly sure what it will entail, but hopefully it'll be helpful...?

    jan 20, 2021

    mood: tired and bummed
    listening: flurrie purring

    B my old laptop is near death. if i turn it on, the fan (or maybe even the hard drive???) whirrs like a chainsaw. something mega wrong there

    fortunately, i had a backup from my birthday. i just wanted to stick with the old one as long as possible. maximise stuff, y'know?

    unfortunately, there's been a few issues. for example, the cpu keeps getting maxed out by windows defender and other random services, and the entire day - no, seriously, we're talking about 15 fucking hours i only got a few pages to even slightly load. making a tweet was a momentous ocassion and took a Lot of patience. i was, of course, also trying to get programs and stuff downloaded, and that slowed everything down too i guess i finally got it stable enough to use for basic things like browsing and discord, but i'm Concerned about trying to play games lol

    in addition to that, for some weird reason with a screen resolution at the largest size and 100% things is still too large. for example, i know what this, my own website, is supposed to look like at 100%. it's like this screen is perpetually zoomed in or something??? 100% is more like 200%, and it's not just superficial. when i did an inspect element of link buttons, it was actually telling me that the sizes were larger than what they're supposed to be

    super weird and a little distressing bc now i feel like i can't properly gauge what other people are going to see when they visit this site ;A;

    another weird thing is suddenly, my custom fonts on all my sites don't seem to work for some reason, and i have no clue why...? tf man

    and this is after i was already trying to get everything more uniform across browsers. i might have to give up cute extra fonts even tho i don't want to... i like spirit a lot...

    B my sleep is, as usual, mega fucked lol. i went to bed at 2 am last night, woke back up at 5, was up until 7, laid back down, back up at 9, laid back down, back up at 10, laid back down... so i finally just gave up at noon... then i got tired again at 3 and laid down... but i didn't fall asleep... now it's 2 am again and i'm still up thankfully later today i have an appointment with a sleep specialist, and hopefully they can help me

    B but! i'm glad the cheeto's gone. m at least that's a good thing finally! D the work's not done by any means, but i can at least breathe a little easier